Blogging Therapy

Writing these posts has been strangely therapeutic for me, which is exactly what I hoped for, and why I decided to share them. Some of the things that bother me are really heavy topics (what if my son gets bullied by his cousin, and what do I do about my own insecurities with men?) but then again, if I say nothing and bottle it up, what good does that do?

I can see my own irrationality when it's all written out. Why should I be worried about something that may not ever be a problem? Why should I assume that because men I know think poorly of their mothers that my son will think poorly of me? Is it really fair of me to assume that my son will need protecting from a cousin that also hasn't been born yet?

I'm going to make a lot of mistakes in the coming years. Some mistakes will be very minor. Some mistakes will haunt me for the rest of my life. But this could be a learning opportunity. When I admit to my son that I messed up, he will learn that it is going to happen ... but that life will go on. I hope he will accept my faults and not use them against me later. I hope he and his cousin enjoy each other's company.

I hope he grows up to be someone strong, but compassionate. A leader who can also ask for help when he needs it. A person who achieves much, but also knows how to be humble.

In short, I want him to be awesome.

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Never Forget?

This popped up on xkcd a while ago, but my mind keeps dwelling on it.

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There is a substantial amount of things on this list that I already don't know anything about. Yeah, I've heard about what happened to Challenger, and I know about Chernobyl because my dad worked at a nuclear plant, but I don't have memories of sitting in front of the television, horror-struck as I watched these events unfold. I don't think back fondly on any Star Wars movie, and working on any Apple computer doesn't make me smile and realize how far we've come in the last 36 years.

It's not until OJ Simpson's Trial that I finally start remembering something. I wondered why the news was showing a white SUV driving down the highway, why they weren't talking about anything else, and can we please switch it to Nickelodeon now? I remember having a brief discussion in my third grade class, and Mrs. McLemore giving us a very basic description of the purpose of a jury, and then we got to play the jury and determine if we thought he was guilty or not. (Times were very different then - no third grade teacher could get away with discussing a murder trial with her students now.)

I remember learning what impeachment meant in fifth grade, and how it didn't necessarily mean that the president was removed from office, and that until now Andrew Johnson was the only president that had been impeached.

I remember Columbine. I wrote a note to my 7th grade counselor after it happened because a boy in my class thought that Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold had the right idea. "People here don't understand people like me, and they should be shot." His name was Allen. I was afraid of him after that day.

I remember 9/11. I remember the principal asking teachers to turn on their televisions and that there would be no morning announcements. I remember my choir director saying, "Nothing is more important than our upcoming concert." I remember going to second period, Sophomore English, and being told that class was meeting in the library. I remember watching the big screen TV and wondering why we were watching a movie instead of learning. I remember realizing with horror (and a little embarrassment) that it wasn't a movie. I remember that some students were in a panic because they thought our tiny town would be hit soon too - with a nuclear plant just 10 miles away, people tended to be on edge. I don't remember much else. I probably asked Dad if we were safe when he got home, if he got home before I went to bed. Fall is outage season, so he would have been working longer hours, and I'm sure the stress level was much higher that day than normal.

It's so strange to think that one day there will come a time when the people who don't remember such a traumatic incident will outnumber the people who do. But when I think about it, it's not so strange. Even my oldest nephew, who is about to be sixteen, most likely too young to remember it. The other two are far too young. A little sad maybe, that they don't have anything so unifying, but I suppose that they will eventually. Hopefully it will be something more positive.

I wonder if my son will ask me if I remember 9/11, or anything else from this list for that matter. Will stare at me with the look of someone trying so desperately to put himself in my shoes so he can experience what I experienced, just like I did when I asked my parents if they remembered the Kennedy assassination, or Woodstock? And what major event is going to happen in his lifetime that will affect him and everyone around him so greatly?

26 Years Old

Shirt from Threadless

The sun has set on another day, but for me it was a pretty important day. Today was my birthday!

I've always loved my birthday, even though it's right around the time school starts. When I was younger, I liked being able to take treats in for my classmates at the beginning of school. I was the first one who got a "class birthday" every year. When the first day of school and my birthday were the same day, it made the first day less scary because so many people wished me a happy birthday.

Plus, my parents usually planned a super-fun pool party for me and my friends on our first weekend.

So today I turned 26 years old, and I also hit 31 weeks in my pregnancy! I can tell that since I've quit work, the weight is really starting to pack on ... guess I better get back to walking 15 miles a week. Bummer. At least the weather has been really pleasant lately. I hope it stays that way!

The Firsts of Lasts

Growing up is about a lot of firsts. First job, first love, first house, and so many other things that make us feel more like adults. But there are also a lot of lasts that come with those firsts...last semester of college, last night at home before moving in to your own place, last day at that crappy job....

Some of them are sad, but a lot of them are reasons to celebrate. In many instances, we can't have those firsts without going through the lasts too. When we first moved up here so my husband could go to grad school, I was terrified. It was a long way from home, and a long way from family and friends. While the city we live in is beautiful and has so many opportunities, I'm still longing for the day when we can move closer to our hometown.

I've already had a few lasts in my job. Without revealing too much of what I do (because, ew, creeps) my job is essentially that of a college security guard. A lot of my co-workers are either undergrads who are looking to join the military or public safety, or retired people looking for a low stress job for some extra spending money. My position in life is sort of unique compared to all of the other people I am working with. Anyway, there are three areas that I can work in my job: sporting events, concert events, and the dreaded ResLife. Once basketball season ended, I didn't realize that I wouldn't be working another sporting event because I always assumed I would have to work football games until I delivered the baby in October. However, after talking with my husband and a few other people, I'm starting to think that being outside and on my feet from 6:00 am until whenever the game ended was not ideal and would probably send me into labor early. One area down.

I finished my last concert event yesterday morning (which was just three hours after my overnight shift I might add.) I'm a little sad not to be working this anymore, because it was a great opportunity to get paid for watching musicals and other performances. Unfortunately, the performance hall did not contact us about working events this month. I actually think they're trying to phase us out, since they recently installed automatic locks on all of the doors in the building (one of our jobs was to lock up after the patrons had gone home) and most of what else we do can be done by their usher program. So yesterday, I did my last walk-through of the performance hall. I thought I would be nostalgic, but really, I was too tired for that.

I still have a few weeks left of ResLife, just walking around the campus at night and making sure the doors are locked, but I'll be done with that on July 25th. While this job has been good to me, allowing a lot of flexibility in my work schedule and paying slightly better than minimum wage, I'm ready to leave this behind, because it means I'm one step closer to a lot of exciting firsts.